


Oceans

by opalheart12



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Discussion of Abortion, Drama, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Injury Recovery, Serious Injuries, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-26
Updated: 2019-11-26
Packaged: 2021-02-25 04:48:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21571066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/opalheart12/pseuds/opalheart12
Summary: Spencer is shot in the neck while working a case with Emily and promptly pushes her away afterward. Can he save his relationship with her before it’s too late?Inspired by the song "Oceans" by Seafret.
Relationships: Emily Prentiss/Spencer Reid
Kudos: 45





	Oceans

_**And nothing comes close** _   
_**To the way that I need you** _   
_**I wish I can feel your skin** _   
_**And I want you from somewhere within** _

**-Oceans by Seafret**

* * *

He almost dies.

The bullet flies into his lower neck before she can even blink. The scream she lets out at that moment is nearly animalistic as she turns her gun on the suspect and shoots him five times: all straight through his heart. The suspect collapses without a word and she was shaken out of her rage by a gasping, gurgling sound behind her. 

He is laying there, shock and fear in his eyes. She screams for an ambulance as the rest of the team rushes into the room with their guns drawn. Their eyes widen as they take in the sight of Spencer Reid on the ground choking on the blood gushing out of his neck and up his throat.

Emily Prentiss doesn’t remember how it happens, but she blinks and suddenly she’s in ambulance straddling his and pressing her hands against the wound as the ambulance speeds to the nearest hospital. When she blinks again, she’s in the hospital waiting room with his dried blood on her hands and blouse. There’s even some on the ends of her hair from where she’d leaned over him and told him over and over he was going to be okay. 

The other members of the team are there but it feels like she can barely see them. She hears Penelope sobbing into Derek’s arms and vaguely registers a distraught expression on his face as he whispers to her promises he isn’t certain he can keep. JJ and Hotch are talking to one another, but about what she isn’t sure. Rossi has sequestered himself in a corner and is engaged in fervent prayer, his knuckles going white at how tightly he’s holding his rosary. 

“I’m looking for the family of Spencer Reid?” 

They all stand as one unit and gravitate toward the woman in the lab coat who has just entered the room. She looks exhausted and Emily can still see a thin sheen of sweat on her face. 

“That’s us.” It’s JJ who speaks. She is the only one who has regained enough composure to do so.

“The bullet went straight through his trachea and nicked his spinal cord before lodging itself in his spine. We were able to stop the bleeding from the wound but trying to get the bullet out of his spine was...not easy. He...he flatlined twice on the table. Since he has no DNR on file, we were able to revive him both times.” 

Emily feels as if her soul was imploding. She feels herself swaying on her feet and then feels Hotch behind her holding her up. He _had_ died. Twice. 

“What is his condition right now, Dr. Wen?” JJ asks.

“It’s still very critical, and he isn’t out of the woods yet. The injuries to the spinal cord and spine are incredibly serious and will likely need _months_ of recovery. However, we won’t know just how bad the damage is until he wakes up.” Dr. Wen explains.

“But he’s alive?” It’s Penelope who asks. She must have seen Emily’s mouth floundering open and shut like a fish trying to get the words out. 

Dr. Wen nods solemnly. “For now, yes. Unfortunately, no one but immediate family members will be allowed into his room in the ICU until his condition improves.”

“I’m his partner.” Emily breathes out shakily. She can barely even recognize her own voice. 

“Then you can come with me. I’m sure you’ll keep the others here aware of his condition.”

She blinks again and she’s standing in the doorway to his room. It seems like his body is more machines than human body parts and it makes her want to crumble. She’s trying to replay how the hell this could have happened in her mind but she’s drawing blanks. She remembers him being shot but everything around it is blurry and staticky. 

He has a tube in his throat to help him breathe. The other machines do nothing to mask the wheezing sound escaping his mouth, each breath more difficult than the last. He looked so weak and frail. 

“Jesus, fuck, Spencer!” She sobs now as she walks closer to his bedside. “Please wake up, baby. I need you here with me.”

She isn’t sure how long she sits there for but she blinks again and its daylight. She rests her head against Spencer’s bed and she’s gone again. When she resurfaces from a restless sleep, it is now nighttime again. A nurse comes in and tells her it might be a good idea to get out of the hospital for a bit if only to shower and get some food.

Emily reluctantly agrees but informs the poor nurse that if Spencer dies again while she’s gone she will put the whole force of the FBI behind her to have the nurse arrested. It is completely uncalled for but she’ll apologize later.

The shower goes by in a blur but she is pleased to finally wash dried blood out of her hair and clothes. Her stomach begins talking to her and she thinks maybe she should listen to it and get some food. She orders more Indian food than any one person needs but the chicken tikka masala, garlic naan, and mango lassi warm her from the inside out and she thinks she might be okay.

As she gets dressed to head back to the hospital, she finds one of Spencer’s favorite pullover sweaters and puts it on. He still isn’t awake yet but it feels like he’s right there with his arms around her. The ride back to the hospital is a little more clear. She feels somewhat human again, and now that she has gotten over the stress of Spencer being shot, she feels rational thought beginning to slip back into her head again.

Hotch is waiting outside the hospital room when she arrives. Even though he isn’t allowed inside yet, he’s the one who volunteered to keep watch over Spencer until Emily came back. 

“How is he?” Emily asks. Her hands begin to shake as she sees the love of her life still unconscious and broken looking. She remembers wishing he would stop yammering about medical journals and scientific theories just once. Now, she’d give anything to hear it again.

“Much the same,” Hotch responds. “Nothing has changed. Whether or not that’s a fortunate thing remains to be seen.”

Emily took a deep breath and let it out. The walls felt like they were closing in on her. All she wants is for Spencer to wake up. She doesn’t care if he says anything or not. She just wants him to wake up and hold her hand so she can know she hasn’t truly lost him.

“Thanks for watching him. Tell Jack I’m sorry for keeping you so late.” Emily responds.

Hotch shook his head. “We’re all taking shifts watching Reid so you can have some time away. This is a difficult time for you. We want to help however we can.”

Before she even registers what she’s doing she launched herself at Hotch, hugging him tightly as tears spring to her eyes. She knows how close the team is and that they would all do anything for each other. But seeing it in the moment means more than she can express.

It’s four hours later when Spencer wakes up. Emily is asleep against his side, her back uncomfortable from the position when she feels a hand in her hair. She moves gingerly and sees Spencer’s disoriented eyes locked on hers. His mouth is open and an odd gasping noise is coming out. It takes a few moments for Emily to realize he’s trying to talk.

“W-w-what….hap...hap—“

Emily leaned forward to press a kiss to his forehead as a whimpering sound escaped her. “Shh. Don’t say anything right now, baby. You don’t have to. Not right now.”

He nods and looks very tired again. She can hardly imagine how much it must have taken out of him to speak the few words he did. His face is still contorted in pain and he touches his throat gingerly as if afraid to ask about it.

Just then, Dr. Wen comes into the room. She smiles when she sees both Spencer and Emily looking at her. “You’re awake. That’s a good sign.”

“You said you’d know how severe the damage was once he woke up.” Emily prompts. She wants Spencer home as soon as possible.

“And we will. He will need to stay here for at least another week while we run a few tests and for a day or two after that. Mr. Reid, I am very happy that you’re awake, but you aren’t leaving just yet.” Dr. Wen replies, almost as if she’s talking to an impatient child.

Emily is able to use two weeks of paid vacation time to stay at Spencer’s side in the hospital. After Dr. Wen runs tests on Spencer, she determines that he is suffering from muscle spasms and vocal cord damage. He can still talk, but his voice has taken on a permanently hoarse quality that it didn’t have before. He has painful muscle spasms in his neck, shoulders, and back that makes standing and walking difficult. Dr. Wen prescribes Valium but Spencer vehemently rejects it and explains his previous struggles with addiction.

He’s released a week and three days after the incident. Emily is eternally grateful to the rest of her team when she gets back to the apartment she and Spencer share and sees a fully stocked fridge with enough meals for his first three days back home and the apartment clean from top to bottom. They even wrote heartfelt messages on a giant card and hung it up on the wall.

“That’s very sweet of them,” Spencer says with a small smile.

Emily nods and rushes him over to their sectional so he can rest. The walk up the stairs in their building took them nearly half an hour since the elevator is permanently out of order. She vows to start looking for a new (and more accessible) place for them soon. 

“Rossi left his famous five cheese lasagna and a bottle of red wine in here. You okay with that for dinner?” Emily asks from the kitchen.

“That’s perfect. I’ll find something for us to watch.”

About a half-hour later, the two of them are parked on their massive sectional under the most comfortable blanket Emily was able to find with their lasagna and wine ready to be consumed. 

They end up eating in silence despite the old episode of Doctor Who that Spencer put on. The man on the screen with his multicolored scarf and his brown hat races away from an alien and Spencer chuckles to himself. Emily wants to say something then but the words aren’t ready to come out of her body just yet.

She helps Spencer into the shower and decides it will just be easier if they shower together. Morgan had a seat installed in it after hearing about Spencer’s muscle spasms. She washes herself first and as she’s rinsing the conditioner out of her hair she feels Spencer tug firmly on her elbow to get her attention. She opens her eyes just as the last of the conditioner is gone and sees him staring up at her like she hung the moon in the sky.

They’re both all clean now and his hair is soft since she helped him wash it. She straddles him and he pulls her close to him, hugging her tightly for the first time in almost two weeks. She isn’t sure how long they stay like that but eventually, they get out and head to their bedroom. 

There is an essential oil diffuser going in the corner of the room which Emily can only assume Garcia is responsible for. 

“Eucalyptus, lemongrass, and chamomile,” Spencer says as they get settled into bed. “Those all promote healing. I assume Garcia did that?”

Emily shrugs as she snuggles up to him. “Well, I don’t think it was Hotch. And JJ isn’t into all that. _Has_ to he Garcia.”

“Or what if that’s what Hotch _wants_ us to think?” Spencer counters.

The two of them devolve into a fit of laughter. Spencer’s face still contorts in pain at the action and Emily realizes his laugh sounds different now, almost like that of an old man who smoked cigarettes earlier in life. 

They’ve been silent for nearly an hour just relishing in being close to one another when Spencer pulls away slightly to face her. 

“I came back for you,” he says. “I couldn’t leave you.”

It takes Emily a moment to realize what he’s talking about and when she does, she feels her chest tighten painfully as her brain assaults her with memories of the man before her choking on his own blood while she screamed for help and of Dr. Wen explaining to the team that he had died _twice_ during surgery.

“Jesus, Spencer, don’t ever fucking scare me like that again!” Emily shoves him softly and shoves her face into his neck as she cries. She can feel his heartbeat there and she kisses it. “I swear to God, if you ever die on me again I’ll kill you.”

That makes him chuckle as he kisses her head. “Getting shot in the neck was...not fun, to say the least. Would _not_ recommend it.”

She shoves him again and he kisses her head again. 

“Fine. I promise I won’t ever scare you like that again if I have any say in it.”

* * *

**_We hide our emotions_ **   
**_Under the surface and tryin' to pretend_ **   
**_But it feels like there's oceans between you and me_ **

**-Oceans by Seafret**

* * *

She doesn’t think it will be an easy life for either of them as Spencer continues to recover from his injury. But she really didn’t think it would be so hard either.

He has good days and bad days. Dr. Wen finds a workaround for medication to help his muscle spasms that he won’t get addicted to. But he gets tired of Emily always reminding him to take it or asking if he took it.

Spencer has been relegated to remote consulting and desk duty for the foreseeable future. He’s still allowed to come with them on cases, but since his coordination was affected by the injury to his spinal cord he isn’t allowed to run off with the team to bust the bad guys. He says it’s fine at first but then Emily has an uncomfortably close brush with death and he isn’t fine about it anymore.

Things get more difficult between them. Emily is only trying to help him and make sure he knows he’s not alone. But Spencer thinks she’s overbearing now and avoids being around her unless necessary.

They haven’t slept holding each other in weeks. At times, it feels as if they are simply two strangers that happen to share a bed. It comes to a head one night after a very stressful case that involved Emily being briefly kidnapped to prevent a suspect from hurting children. It’s a noble deed objectively but Spencer isn’t objective about it.

Emily watches him pick at his food at the dinner table. He looks both troubled and annoyed. When she asks if he’s okay he gives her an extremely curt, “I’m fine.”

But he isn’t.

“You don’t look fine. Are you in any pain? Do you need—“

“Just _stop_ , okay?” He snaps back at her. “I don’t need your fucking help. I’m not some helpless little baby who needs you to hold my hand every time I need to take a breath.”

At some point, his fork and knife clatter against the table and the sound startles her, but not enough to distract her from the tight, stinging feeling in her chest. He can tell from looking at her that he has hurt her in some immeasurable way and he regrets the words he spat at her.

She looks like she has quite a bit she wants to say in response, and honestly, he wishes she would. He wants to fight. He wants to yell until he’s tired because the toxic swirl of emotions inside him needs somewhere to go.

But instead, all she says is, “Okay.”

When she goes to bed he hears the door close and the sound of the lock turning. It makes him want to vomit.

* * *

**_I want you_ **   
**_And I always will_ **   
**_I wish I was worth_ **   
**_But I know what you deserve_ **   
**_You know I'd rather drown than to go on without you_ **

**-Oceans by Seafret**

* * *

Emily begins working longer and longer hours. She only comes home to sleep or shower. Despite the fact that they work together, Emily hardly sees Spencer anymore. When they’re at work, Emily treats him like he’s just another coworker. But things are different between them and everyone knows it.

She hasn’t helped him with anything in a while. She doesn’t purposely cook food for the two of them anymore. She doesn’t do laundry for the two of them anymore. She goes into the bedroom and locks it every night. Spencer can’t even remember what it’s like to sleep in a bed, but he has no one to blame for that but himself.

He has been a monumental asshole to Emily since he was shot. It is JJ who tells him this after a case one day.

“She told you what I said?” Spencer asked when JJ glared at him from behind the desk in her office.

“She’s my best friend. Of _course_ , she told me! And she didn’t deserve what you said to her. If you had any idea what she’s given up just to—. Nevermind.”

Spencer frowns. “What are you talking about?”

JJ shakes her head. “It isn’t for me to tell. If you wanna know, you need to talk to Emily. Assuming she’d even talk to you again after how you’ve been treating her though? She might not tell you anything.”

He resolves to talk to Emily when he gets home. But she beats him to it when he walks in the door. She’s sitting on the sofa wringing her hands in her lap, her eyes swollen from crying.

“I can’t do this anymore.”

The words echo in the living room uncomfortably. 

“I tried to be here for you and love you and I thought that would be enough. I know you’ve been through a lot lately with what happened to you but...I can’t do _this_ anymore. It’s like we’re _roommates_. I can barely even remember what it's like to sleep with your arms around me or have you tell me you love me once an hour.”

She laughs fondly and sadly near the end of her sentence and he even thinks he hears her voice crack. She’s about to start crying again. And he is the reason why.

“I don’t deserve to be treated like this, Spencer. I gave up a lot to be here with you, things you don’t even know about. And it isn’t that you _should_ have known but...I deserve better than whatever this is between us now.”

He feels like someone has reached into his body and scooped out all of his organs. His throat feels so dry it might bleed. 

“What did you give up?” He asks. His voice is soft and hoarse. 

Emily let out a deep sigh and ran a hand through her long dark hair. “Hotch is retiring. The Director wanted me to have his position.”

“ _What_ ? Emily, that’s _amazing_!” And he means it. He can’t think of a single person better suited to take Hotch’s place.

“Yeah, it might have been. I turned it down. They’re giving it to Rossi until they find a good replacement.”

He sits on the other end of the sofa. “Why did you turn it down?”

“I saw what that position did to Hotch. He barely spends any time with Jack and when Haley was still alive things were bad between them because of that job. I didn’t want that for me and you, not after what happened when you needed— when I _thought_ you needed support. So, I said no.”

“Is that it?” Spencer asks. He doesn’t think that’s all. Not after the way JJ kept insisting what Emily had to give up wasn’t even her story to tell.

Emily gives him a hard look and he can tell she’s trying to decide if she should tell him anything. Eventually, she sighs and buries her face in her hands. “I was pregnant.”

Spencer feels like the earth has dropped out beneath his feet. _Was_ pregnant. The air has disappeared from his lungs. When she looks back up at him again her eyes are bloodshot and her hands are clenched.

“I found out a few days before you were shot. I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do, you know? I was on track for Hotch’s position and a baby would complicate that. But then you got shot and everything afterward...I just wasn’t ready and I knew you might not be either. Then you said what you said about not needing my help and I guess I just realized _this_ ...whatever _this_ is happening between us...I didn’t wanna add a kid to it. So I got an abortion.” 

“Why didn’t you tell me, Emily? I deserved to know _something_ about it!” He feels angry but it’s more at himself than Emily. 

Emily rolled her eyes and scoffed. “Why didn’t I tell you? Spencer, we slept in the same bed and you wouldn’t even touch me for weeks. I would try to check in with you and you’d treat my like I pissed in your morning fucking coffee! Then you told me that you didn’t need my fucking help anymore. When in all of that do you think I would ever have been able to talk to you about being pregnant?”

“I had a right to—“

“Oh, please! So, I was supposed to come up to you and say, ‘Hi, Spence, I know you hate me now and our relationship is dead as a doornail but let’s have a baby!’ or something?” She’s standing now and he can see her hands shaking now, a sign that her anger has reached a point she isn’t able to conceal from him. “You checked out, Spence! I was _here_ but you fucking checked out on me!” 

He can only be silent because he knows she isn’t lying. 

“Don’t you understand how terrified I was?! I _saw_ you get shot! I had my hand over your wound until we got to the hospital trying to keep you alive! Then you die twice in surgery and I take off two weeks and take care of you because I _love_ you! I didn’t know how our future was going to look or whether you’d even want me in it but I made a commitment to be there for you for better or worse in whatever way I needed to! And not once do I get a ‘thank you’ or just... _any_ sign from you that everything isn’t a fucking dumpster fire between us!”

“Emily, I—“

“You resented me for caring, Spencer. You resented me for going out into the field when you couldn’t. You resented me from being away from your watchful fucking eyes and getting kidnapped on a case! And you never talked to me about it! You were fine to let me think _I_ was doing something wrong and unforgivable by just fucking being here for you.”

The room is filled with uncomfortable silence as her words ring in his ears and sting at his chest like a thousand little knives. She pants from getting out all of her frustrated motions and he can see the tears have given up resisting falling down her face.

He is the reason for her tears. The thought of it makes him sick.

“You’re right,” he finds himself saying. “I fucked up. I’m sorry, Em. For everything.”

She walks closer to him and he knows she’s about to ask him something else. She takes his hands in hers tightly, as if they’re a lifeline.

“I don’t want to leave, Spence. I want to be _here_ with you. Always. But I can’t do that if you don’t want me to. So just...tell me now: do you want to be with me?”

_This is it_ , he realizes. If he doesn’t do something now, he’ll lose her forever. And if he loses her...she’s a world to him. His world. She is right that he resented her, but not for the reasons she thought.

“I didn’t want your life to become about work and helping me,” he says. “When I got shot, we lost whatever it was that made us what we were. Suddenly everything became about me and how I was feeling and if I needed help and I felt like I was losing myself and you too! I thought maybe I was expecting you to leave me anyway so I could have a reason to justify my anger and resentment. But I can’t.”

She tries to let go of his hands. She thinks she knows what he’s going to say. _This is it_ , she thinks. _He doesn’t want me here_. But when he feels her pulling away he holds on tighter and now she just feels confused.

“Spencer, what—“

“The thing is, Em...I _need_ you with me. That’s a given. The past few weeks I deluded myself into thinking I didn’t _want_ you here. But every night that I went to sleep without holding you, every evening we didn’t eat dinner together or talk about our day, every morning I didn’t get to wake up next to you and see the only thing that gets me through every minute...that’s when I wanted you so bad it hurt. I still do.”

He can see the walls she has erected for protection beginning to crumble slightly. She was preparing for the worst possible outcome, he realizes. And now she looks like she might break so he pulls her toward him and holds her as tight as he can. 

He kisses her forehead first and whispers apologies as he kisses anywhere on her head he can reach. Her eyes, because she has always seen who he really was when no one else was bothering to look. Her cheeks, because of how bright they make her smile look when she sees him in the morning. Her mouth he saves for last because he wants her to feel the truth of all he just confessed to her. He doesn’t want her to doubt him one bit.

“Please forgive me, Em.” He whispers against her neck after he kisses there too.

He feels her nod and he pulls her down onto the sectional to show her for the rest of the evening that he was telling the truth. There’s no way in hell he’ll make the mistake again of pushing them nearly to the end.

* * *

_**I want you  
And I always will** _

**-Oceans by Seafret**

* * *

She ends up taking Hotch’s job at Spencer’s insistence. 

“Haley and Hotch were different, Em. She was never part of this job. She would never have been able to understand it. That’s not you and me.”

They are having lunch in a supply closet, away from files and crime scene photos. Emily offers him the last piece of her turkey and brie sandwich which he politely rejects

“I guess you’re right. I love this job, Spence, I do. But I don’t want it to rule our lives to the point that there’s no time for _us_ , you know?” She leans her head onto his shoulder and sighs. 

“Then we’ll make time, Em. We’ll make sure the job won’t take over everything. You should be enjoying this accomplishment anyway. This is everything you ever wanted for your career and you are going to be damn good at it.”

He leans down to kiss her and she giggles slightly before she pushes their lunch aside and straddles him. 

“In the _supply_ closet? Everyone will hear us!”

Emily laughs and kisses him deeply before pulling away. “Then be quiet.”

JJ walks past the closet and laughs to herself as she hears shelves groaning and things falling to the floor inside. Emily and Spencer are curiously absent from their desks and JJ remembers seeing them go in the general direction of the closet with their lunches.

They aren’t nearly as quiet as they think they are.


End file.
